BoxRec

Never have i been so frustrated.
I'm cooking a Malaysian curry (i was taught the recipe by a nice little chap from Kuala Lumpur, who i was fortunate enough to live next door to for a while) and for once i decided to use a real coconut, instead of the desiccated substitute that i normally use to save time.
So up to the shops i popped, eager to find the best coconut that money can buy. I took my pick, a hirsute little fellow who smelt and felt like he might be worth a taste. Little did i know the anguish he was soon to cause me.
Upon arriving home i set the coconut down to prepare the rest of the ingredients. Once everything was set i turned my attention to my little friend.
First i thought about how i might damage his tough exterior enough to extract the juices contained within. Being the lazy sort that i am, i declined the use of a hammer on the principle that i'd have to look for one. The next logical choice was a rolling pin. I placed said coconut on a towel (to prevent any damage to the kitchen unit) and proceded to pummel it with the pommel of the wooden utensil. After a good five minutes and no visible results, i was left to ponder the other available choices.
I was loath to use any of my expensively obtained knives, and after extensive searching a hammer also proved to be out of the question. It was during the search for the hammer that my eyes chanced upon something else. Something that could indeed crack my stubborn friend.
I took my new find out to the garden, and set up shop where i couldn't damage anything valuable. After setting my little friend on his towel to prevent him rolling away, i raised my new tool above my head. With a triumphant roar i brought the axe down on the tip of the coconut, shearing the tip off. I lifted the axe above my head in celebration and cried out in joy at my success. However, my joy was short-lived. As a looked down at the broken friut beneath me, i realised my folly. The precious milk had all been lost.

Sorry, i just had to share my amazing coconut story. There is no real moral, so take from it what you will.

My dad used to drill a pair of small holes in the coconut to drain the milk out before chopping (or I think once even sawing) it.

They're tough little buggers when they want to be ornery like that.

{delete of duplicate post}

!$%^&$%@ forum temporal latency

i put it in a freezerbag and whack it against the wall. trouble is, the bag splits too, so the cracker is left flailing around trying to catch the juices into their mouth while the crackee leaks everywhere. sometimes it happens that a small channel is created in the freezerbag and the milk flows down the channel and into your carefully positioned mouth. But that is rare, sometimes.

well, the moral is be clever, not silly or lazy. it's a thinking man's game.

glittermonkey wrote:So up to the shops i popped, eager to find the best coconut that money can buy. I took my pick, a hirsute little fellow who smelt and felt like he might be worth a taste.

now im not an expert on all things cocus nucifera , but... dont all coconuts feels and smell the same?? infact what does a cocnut smell like, and dont say a coconut!!

Corkscrew - never lets you down.

neil r wrote:

glittermonkey wrote:So up to the shops i popped, eager to find the best coconut that money can buy. I took my pick, a hirsute little fellow who smelt and felt like he might be worth a taste.

now im not an expert on all things cocus nucifera , but... dont all coconuts feels and smell the same?? infact what does a cocnut smell like, and dont say a coconut!!

A bounty bar

Loynesy wrote:Corkscrew - never lets you down.

...Except that I haven't been able to find the type of coconut with the cork at any of the local shops. :(

In the Carribean once a month they lock themselves away in a toilet for a day with a book and drink loads of coconut milk. This is one of mother natures best laxatives and it flushes the body out big time making them feel on top of the World. (dont think the toilet cleaner is best pleased though)

buzz wrote:In the Carribean once a month they lock themselves away in a toilet for a day with a book and drink loads of coconut milk. This is one of mother natures best laxatives and it flushes the body out big time making them feel on top of the World. (dont think the toilet cleaner is best pleased though)

So the coconut milk is for washing down the pages of the book, then? Especially if it's one of those cheap rough-pulped paperbacks, I can imagine that would be a very good laxative - probably too good. Lends new meaning to the phrase, "so-and-so latest novel is complete shit, let me tell you..."

At the risk of being called a coconut-hating antiliterate Stu Pedaso, I think I'll stick to orange metamucil myself, though. ;)

Just get some Blue Dragon brand coconut milk man, nothing wrong with that....

I think you'll find that the stuff that comes out of a real coconut isn't good for a curry anyway...

Goz wrote:Just get some Blue Dragon brand coconut milk man, nothing wrong with that....

I think you'll find that the stuff that comes out of a real coconut isn't good for a curry anyway...

good point Goz i always find that a chicken makes for a better curry than coconut milk

neil r wrote:

Goz wrote:Just get some Blue Dragon brand coconut milk man, nothing wrong with that....

I think you'll find that the stuff that comes out of a real coconut isn't good for a curry anyway...

good point Goz i always find that a chicken makes for a better curry than coconut milk

I'm starting to worry for my safety here...

Right, where do i start?

Many thanks to everyone. Some good ideas there guys, i'll be sure to contain my rage and use one of the more logical methods presented to me next time.

For anyone who's interested, after the red mist had subsided i basically used the same sort of method that Blue had suggested. I broke it up with the flat of the axe, and followed his advice from there. If only i'd asked for his thoughts a day earlier.

Goz, i do tend to use a can of coconut milk for most of the curries i make. But for this one i didn't want it to be overly creamy, but i still wanted a slight hint of coconut. I ended up grating most of the flesh and using that.

On a related subject, i'm going wild mushroom hunting later in the week. Just out of interest, which ones are poisonous?

glittermonkey wrote:
On a related subject, i'm going wild mushroom hunting later in the week. Just out of interest, which ones are poisonous?

There is no hard and fast rule.. but in general anything with a little gnome sitting on top of it holding out a fishing rod is a toadstool. Toadstools are bad.. you eat, they poison. Besides why make a gnome homeless

neil r wrote:

glittermonkey wrote:
On a related subject, i'm going wild mushroom hunting later in the week. Just out of interest, which ones are poisonous?

There is no hard and fast rule.. but in general anything with a little gnome sitting on top of it holding out a fishing rod is a toadstool. Toadstools are bad.. you eat, they poison. Besides why make a gnome homeless

I always use creamed coconut, just reconstitute with water and pour in, you can even fry up your chicken and onions with it at the beginning, then pour in the spices, about 70p from any afro-carribiean section in the supermarket, don't bother with a whole coconut man, you coconutter!

jamesmcdonnell wrote: don't bother with a whole coconut man, you coconutter!

OMG, that was terrible.

stujones wrote:

jamesmcdonnell wrote: don't bother with a whole coconut man, you coconutter!

OMG, that was terrible.

I know Stu is saying to himself, "where o where can a mango to escape James' awful tropical-food puns?" I recommend simply papaying him no heed.

Nice one about the homeless gnomes, neil. BTW, it's not just toadstools that are bad for you - frog doo-doo is equally nasty.

You pawpaw soul.

jamesmcdonnell wrote:You pawpaw soul.

Naughty James, plantain the seeds of self-doubt in poor Vike's tropical-heat-added brain.

This reminds me of a recent converstaion I had bout living in london and travelling everywhere by foot and train, when asked the question do I drive "no no point I live near a station but it would be nice to av-aca-do"


sorry that was terrible, ill get my coat

'you can pick them up real'lychee'ap in the supermarket' No? oh, uh