Don King to be Elected to Papacy
Posted: 17 Apr 2005, 08:54
http://www.glossynews.com
"Four more years," says Lt. Colonel Don King, "then we'll have a re-match."
Vatican City - After a brief papal conclave, it was announced today that boxing promoter Don King will be the next pope. “I think it is very good that we have a black pope,” said 72 year old Cardinal Francis Arinze of Nigeria. “This shows that the Church is truly and international body, and that the Church of Africa has come into its own. However, I wish that he would pick a new name. ‘Pope Moneybags’ just doesn’t sound very holy to me. But who am I to judge the pope?”
This marks the first time in 1,500 years that a black pope has been selected. “Truly, this is a great day for everybody,” said an elated King. “Now I even get a hat that will fit properly over my hair. Hallelujah!”
But not everyone is so excited about the new pope. 78 year old Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger of Germany has publicly denounced the move as “pure propaganda” to get more people into the Church. “Besides,” said the German Ratzinger, “we all know that blacks are a lesser race anyway, just like Jews and Slavs.”
Cardinal Oscar Andres Rodriguez Maradiaga of Honduras, 62, was heard to say, “Yo quiero Taco Bell,” though it’s unclear as to what papal significance this phrase has. It may simply be a lunch order, or it may indicate his desire to have elected a Honduran pope – namely, himself.
Belgian Cardinal Godfried Danneels, 71, reportedly demanded waffles throughout the entirety of the conclave. It is still unclear as to whether or not he received them.
Brazilian Cardinal Claudio Hummes, 70, once considered a front-runner for the position, was quickly dismissed as video footage leaked of him dancing in a G-string at Carnivale festivities.
This author’s favorite for the papacy, Polish Cardinal Zenon Grocholewski, 76, was passed over when he was unable to answer the questions, “How do you stop a Polish tank,” and “What do you do when a Pole throws a hand grenade at you?” (Shoot the people pushing it and pull the pin and throw it back would have been appropriate answers.)
Italian Cardinal Dionigi Tettamanzi, 71, was voted down because nobody else at the Vatican wanted pasta three meals a day.
Austrian Cardinal Christoph Schoenborn, 60, was a front-runner at one point, but then the conclave suddenly couldn’t remember if Austria was the little country in the Alps, or the big country “down under.”
Finally, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina, 68, was turned aside because nobody wanted to hear the sibilant strains of “Evita” coming from the papal offices.
Which, in the end, left the conclave of cardinals with no choice but to elect Don King as the new pope. “I hope the pope is allowed some bling-bling, baby, because I’m gonna gets me summa that!” exclaimed King.
"Four more years," says Lt. Colonel Don King, "then we'll have a re-match."
Vatican City - After a brief papal conclave, it was announced today that boxing promoter Don King will be the next pope. “I think it is very good that we have a black pope,” said 72 year old Cardinal Francis Arinze of Nigeria. “This shows that the Church is truly and international body, and that the Church of Africa has come into its own. However, I wish that he would pick a new name. ‘Pope Moneybags’ just doesn’t sound very holy to me. But who am I to judge the pope?”
This marks the first time in 1,500 years that a black pope has been selected. “Truly, this is a great day for everybody,” said an elated King. “Now I even get a hat that will fit properly over my hair. Hallelujah!”
But not everyone is so excited about the new pope. 78 year old Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger of Germany has publicly denounced the move as “pure propaganda” to get more people into the Church. “Besides,” said the German Ratzinger, “we all know that blacks are a lesser race anyway, just like Jews and Slavs.”
Cardinal Oscar Andres Rodriguez Maradiaga of Honduras, 62, was heard to say, “Yo quiero Taco Bell,” though it’s unclear as to what papal significance this phrase has. It may simply be a lunch order, or it may indicate his desire to have elected a Honduran pope – namely, himself.
Belgian Cardinal Godfried Danneels, 71, reportedly demanded waffles throughout the entirety of the conclave. It is still unclear as to whether or not he received them.
Brazilian Cardinal Claudio Hummes, 70, once considered a front-runner for the position, was quickly dismissed as video footage leaked of him dancing in a G-string at Carnivale festivities.
This author’s favorite for the papacy, Polish Cardinal Zenon Grocholewski, 76, was passed over when he was unable to answer the questions, “How do you stop a Polish tank,” and “What do you do when a Pole throws a hand grenade at you?” (Shoot the people pushing it and pull the pin and throw it back would have been appropriate answers.)
Italian Cardinal Dionigi Tettamanzi, 71, was voted down because nobody else at the Vatican wanted pasta three meals a day.
Austrian Cardinal Christoph Schoenborn, 60, was a front-runner at one point, but then the conclave suddenly couldn’t remember if Austria was the little country in the Alps, or the big country “down under.”
Finally, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina, 68, was turned aside because nobody wanted to hear the sibilant strains of “Evita” coming from the papal offices.
Which, in the end, left the conclave of cardinals with no choice but to elect Don King as the new pope. “I hope the pope is allowed some bling-bling, baby, because I’m gonna gets me summa that!” exclaimed King.