THE ETERNAL MODERN HEAVYWEIGHTS V CLASSIC HEAVYWEIGHT CONVO

[loaded_gloves]

Can you imagine going back in time and explaining to people in the 1940s and 50s how it would all turn out for the heavyweight division? And how lightly people on the internet would regard the athletic, fifteen rounds-at-a-pace killer heavyweights of those times?

Picture now a bright flash of camera lights and suddenly the esteemed Loaded Gloves pops up ringside, post Louis/Galento, impeccably turned out in peacock-feathered fedora, leopard print shirt, voluminous pantaloons and sharkskin shoes. Merrily I approach a reporter who's hunched over, hurriedly scribbling in his notebook.

Me: Hey, you, guess what! In sixty years’ time ‘Two Ton’ Tony won’t be an exception - all the heavyweights will be 40 pounds overweight!

Reporter: What? Why the hell would they all be so heavy?

Me: [Taking the tobacco pipe from my mouth] Why, for more power, stupid! Don’t you know?!

Reporter: ‘Power’? But what about fitness? What about footwork?

Me: Galento will have better fitness and footwork at that point - and he’ll be long dead!

Reporter: So, what, they’re all just going to be a bunch of lardballs?

Me: No ordinary lardballs, you cretin – they’ll be weight-lifting lardballs! Most of the fatties will have big biceps in the future! The fans will love it!

Reporter: Weight-lifters as well?! Are you serious? But what about speed and reflexes?

Me: Speed and reflexes will be old-fashioned ideas! You can’t maul and gasp and wheeze with big lumps if you’ve only got speed and reflexes, granddad!

Reporter: Well, surely they’ll at least lose weight by fighting so regularly?

Me. No! They’ll generally fight twice a year in the future! Sometimes only once a year – if we’re lucky.

Reporter: Oh my God! That sounds like some hellish freak show?! Why on earth would anyone watch it?!

Me: No one does! Just a minority of hardcores who think they’re watching the greatest, most powerful heavyweights of all time. People who think these stiff swollen oafs would swat your beloved Joe Louis like a fly.

Reporter: WHAT?!! What on earth would lead them to such an insane conclusion?

Me: [Taking a long suck on my tobacco pipe, considering the question] Well you see, scum, it's because Joe and people like him worked their bodies down to peak condition. Because they were athletes. Because he and his opponents lacked the prescience to step into the ring at a combined weight of half a ton. All these things will actually be held against them, and it will be said with absolute certainty that they couldn’t beat a big heavy guy, let alone hurt him! How could such a feeble man dent a mighty morass of fat and muscle?! It's impossible! In the future we call it 'physics', retard!

Reporter: WHAT?! But Joe just massacred a 233lb cannon ball! Lifted him clean off his god damn feet! He near beheaded a 6’6’, 260lb Carnera! Horrific! And, even though I shouldn’t know this because it hasn’t happened yet, but for the purposes of this conversation I do, what about when he applies innate speed and ingenious technique to damn near kill giants like Simon and Buddy Baer?! Sprays the whole first three rows with gore! And what about when Dempsey broke Willard’s skull! Does it all count for nothing?

Me: IT'S LIKE YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING TO LEARN! None of those fights matter you fool! They're all on boring black & white film and, as such, didn’t really happen! Also, those giants you mentioned are actually inferior, because they didn’t drink protein shakes you see. Or even bother to build up a long run of WBO defences, while being sponsored by a subscription TV channel, fighting men not even ranked in the top 10. These things mean a great deal in the future. [I remove my hands from around his throat]

Reporter: So who is the champ in the future? Is he some big freaky power puncher then?

Me: Ah, I'm glad you ask. Well there’s generally three or four ‘champions’ at any one time, but basically it’s this 6’8’’ weight lifter who everyone thinks is one of the biggest punchers ever, even though with his bulging pecs and beefy biceps he couldn’t so much as knock down the likes of Corrie Sanders and Shannon Briggs.

Reporter: And what the hell are those?

Me: Those what?

Reporter: Those guys you just mentioned! The two Irish bums!

Me: Oh, Corrie and Shannon! Yes, two historically fragile, basically immobile, forty pound overweight forty year olds.

Reporter: FORTY FUGGIN’ YEARS OLD????!!!!

Me: Oh yes, that’s another thing: in the future all of the heavyweights will be around thirty-five to forty years old.

Reporter: Jesus Christ. I’m glad I’ll be dead.

Me: Can you kill me too?

[SamWise72]

[witherspoon]

First reaction on seeing this thread was 'we don't need another thread on this topic, wtf?'.

It was a good read though, I like your sense of humour.

[elmersalsa]

classic post...One of the very best that I have ever read

[BoxBuzz]

I believe I owe you a thank you for this. A bit animated, but captures the spirit of truth rather well.

I personally believe no fighter can stay as focused on the mission these days, due to the exponentially expanding ways to find yourself distracted in the modern world.

Though the nutrition and regimen options may have slightly improved by 2% the ways to get off track have multiplied by 10,000%

[zorndeslammes]

lol this was a pretty fantastic thread. Just need to mix it in with some GIFs of Eddie Chambers' mediocre ass beating the living hell out of Alexander Dimitrenko for effect.