Off-topic, something to make you laugh in bleak january

[jamesmcdonnell]

These show why us Brits are regarded as being so hilarious, check out this round up of funny statements from through the year from various mainstream newspapers.

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas

bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high

for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the

gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily

Telegraph)

2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole

salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was

missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening

News)

3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,

because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle

and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The

Guardian)

4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth

was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman

commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The

Times)

5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and

asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he

didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just

blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening

Express)

6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience

with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each

week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she

recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the

crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt

out 'Heil Hitler.'" (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made

to their passengers...

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service.

I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be

married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the

Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering

from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let

you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is

that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great

time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between

Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our

destination."

4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a

security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for

the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some

time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a

wall.....'."

5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker

Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me,

so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like

that".

6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these

professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a

registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver

announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna,

ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then,

stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with

'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate

instructions."

10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that

the doors are about to close It does not mean throw yourself or your

bags into the doors."

11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the

door."

12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the

second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you

understand?"

13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors."

(Pause..) "Please

move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal

message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the

train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away

from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e

sideways!"

14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking

allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a

joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

[Old bones Ian]

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.

This is a true story.

Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......

Dear Sir,
In response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.

This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Then my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Kind Regards,

[wilse]

Brilliant!!

[KOJOE90]

Also very funny, if you like Ricky Gervais are these Radio shows

http://www.guardian.co.uk/rickygervais/

[steve689]

Very funny stuff, made me chuckle