My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
I saw Lee Majors the bionic man the other day on the Royal Mile. He looked a million dollars... he's really let himself go...
My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I
was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a t w a t.
I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say something funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."
I joined a dating agency and went out on a load of dates that didn't work out. And I went back to the woman who ran the agency and said: "Have you not got somebody on your books who doesn't care about how I look or what job I have and has a nice big pair of b o o b s?" And she checked on her computer and said: "Actually, we have one, but unfortunately, it's you."
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "S h i t, I wasn't listening .Self-raising?"
The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and
punched someone in the face.
I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the girl out of Cork...
When I was in prison I played football for the stalkers. We weren't bad players but when one of us would go for the ball, we'd all go. There was no one looking for space.
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
The Butler Report is the political equivalent of saying, "Leave it out lads, we've all had a drink".
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
I read a book called The Secret Life of Adolf Hitler. It told me things that I never knew. For instance, when Hitler was having s e x he liked to pee on people. That put me right off him.
An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an Egyptian princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet.
Did you enjoy summer this year? It was on a Thursday.
Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that
Jokes de jour
Re: Jokes de jour
The cheekMightyWarrior wrote:My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I
was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a t w a t.
:P-
MightyWarrior
- Heavyweight
- Posts: 13284
- Joined: 23 Jan 2003, 14:01
Re: Jokes de jour
Hes got some neck on im aye e Stevesteve689 wrote:The cheekMightyWarrior wrote:My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I
was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a t w a t.
(I live about 5 miles from W'hampton)
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MightyWarrior
- Heavyweight
- Posts: 13284
- Joined: 23 Jan 2003, 14:01
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"
A seal walks into a club...
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"
A seal walks into a club...
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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MightyWarrior
- Heavyweight
- Posts: 13284
- Joined: 23 Jan 2003, 14:01
Say pretty please
Top Tips
1.. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2.. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3.. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4.. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5.. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6.. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7.. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
8.. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
9.. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
10.. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
11.. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
12.. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends, you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
Top Tips
1.. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2.. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3.. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4.. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5.. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6.. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7.. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
8.. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
9.. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
10.. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
11.. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
12.. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends, you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
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Old bones Ian
- Heavyweight
- Posts: 11805
- Joined: 13 Jul 2004, 07:33
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Matchfixer
- Heavyweight
- Posts: 1117
- Joined: 24 Jan 2004, 11:27
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory to report to work promptly at 8 a.m.. The next day at 8:45, theres a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line forman come sin and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow,and the whole line is backing up.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little pirece of fabric, wraps it around 2 marbles and starts sewing the littl e package between Elmos legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing. When he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo 2 test tickles.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little pirece of fabric, wraps it around 2 marbles and starts sewing the littl e package between Elmos legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing. When he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo 2 test tickles.
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Old bones Ian
- Heavyweight
- Posts: 11805
- Joined: 13 Jul 2004, 07:33
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Old bones Ian
- Heavyweight
- Posts: 11805
- Joined: 13 Jul 2004, 07:33
Only been an Albion fan for one season then Dave?Chambers wrote:I know you know, but the rest of the people who read the forum probably don't.steve689 wrote:I know that your an Albion fan though "Big Dave"
Baggies are looking good this season aye they r kid, we're stopping up. How have the Wolves been getting on? I don't bother looking below the Premier